March . 26. 2017
My husband is in the last few days of his life. My wonderful, kind, caring and encredable husband. The one who we hoped would be the 1% to make it to the 2 year mark after being diagnosed but deep in my heart I knew better. I’ve seen what cancer does to people and what it can do to a family and deep down in my dear I’ve known what’s coming for me for awhile now. There’s something about this kind of fear that can only be seen in your head… No one knows the dynamics of all of your relationships like you do. I am the only one who knows the weight of what I have to loose. People think they understand because they imagine what their fears would be like if they were me….
But the fact is they don’t know what it’s like… Mostly because I haven’t let the words come out of my mouth yet. They tell me that they “get it” or “I can’t imagine!” But the common response I feel like I see is the emotions building up inside them, till I know they can’t take it any longer and I can sense a lecture coming on. A lecture about how everyone is doing their best and how everyone loves me and how “they”aren’t going to let me fail or fall….. It’s more of a pep talk really…I’ve just heard to so many times I’m exhausted… And it’s become a lecture. It has become a conversation I am forced to endure… Forced to listen to… Forced to respond “correctly” or I’ll
open another “pep” talk because people can’t handle The Hard without an answer, solution, or some kind of something to feel like something is being done about it. That’s one of the worst parts about all of this, there is nothing ANYONE can do except sit in The Hard with me, next to me, shouldering the burden.