Recently I have been going to a greif councilor who told me there are 6 steps to getting through greif well. Diet, excersize, sleep, journaling, introspection and distraction. This weekend I am really looking forward to going to a hair show in Bellevue WA. My in-laws are watching Bubbie and I am planning on 2 nights away. My roommate was supposed to go with me but she ended up double booking her weekend and had to cancel last minute. I figure I better get used to doing things by my self anyways so I decided to still go alone. I called some family that lives along the way and am planning on staying with them.
Today while I was working out a friend said to me… “It was really good to see YOU today… And I mean SEE YOU… You have been Selflessly serving others and greving for so long I feel like today was the first day I have seen you be yourself in a long time.” I was really taken back and felt validated. I have been working on myself for the past few weeks and trying to figure out my needs. Within that I have also been trying to figure out my threshold. I have realized that my threshold always wins and if I don’t become friends with it, it’s going to run me clear off the road. Learning my threshold has taught me to become better acquainted with failure. Accepting failure and submitting to the things I can’t control has helped me feel encouraged with what I can control. Watching Brett choose to only submit to what he couldn’t control forced me to learn how to let go. For example: I kept hoping that we would have this big heart to heart after we found out how advanced his cancer was. I finally sat at his feet and asked him if we could talk about the big heavy things… And if he would open up to me about what he was thinking. He said “sure, what do you want to know?” I responded “all the things….” He paused for a long time… I nudged him again… He said ” I don’t know what you expect me to say… If I am dieing and there is nothing I can do about it I don’t know what you are expecting me to say” I remember being really mad at him in that moment… I wanted him to tell me how wonderful I was and how much he loved me and longed for a future with me and how much he would fight for our family we were on the verge of starting…. But at that moment… He didn’t say that. And I realized I was mad because he was right. There really was nothing to say. I never saw Brett get carried away with fear of the future, I only saw him cry twice during his whole journey. He ended up crying to me only one time about his concern about not being able to watch bubbie play with his friends or see him succed in school… But most of the time he was just steady. I remember how painful it was to see him be so calm I wanted him to have this realization of some kind and have this big impactful thing to say… But he almost never did. The thing he did very well at was remaining steady. He was a role model to me, he showed me how to be present in the moment without addressing concerns of what if, it seems like one of the most important things I learned from him. Sense he has been gone I feel like I have gotten used to him being so steady that inturn I have become steady. The fears that I used to have… I don’t any longer.
A friend of mine saw that I was working out at a CrossFit gym that has a very prestigious reputation. She commented that she was to intimadated to work out there a d I should tell her what it was like. I responded ” yea, I hear they have a reputation but honestly I have other things to worry about” I keep reflecting on that comment…. I feel like I haven’t felt scared of anything sense Brett passed…. I have already met my demonds, and had a seven course meal with them…. Almost nothing scares me now. What’s the worst that could happen? I feel like with one comment I can put almost anyone in there place and it makes me feel like I have a right to “be at the table” with them. I have already dealt with my worst fear everything else seems quite a bit more black and white. I’ve been processing the idea of fear lately and have come to the conclusion that I honestly don’t care about what’s on the other side of my fear. I will deal with that when I get there just like I have with every other shitty thing that’s happened in the past 16 months. Fear is a choice. It’s not a choice that I am going to feel responsible for anymore. I have learned to just submit to it and show up anyways. I have been in this emotional state where I don’t care what it takes FEAR will NOT steal my joy. It just won’t. I won’t let it.
I have also come to the conclusion that I am not responsible for how anyone else feels about my situation, my loss, their loss or how they are doing. I am only responsible for the words that come out of my mouth, myself, and my son. My community has a hard time with that, but mostly my best friend has a hard time with that. People are motivated by fear, she’s motivated by what she’s afraid I will loose if I don’t say things the right way or if I don’t accomadate my families needs over my own. But I have come to the conclusion that I’m not responsible for their actions and I can’t control how they pricive me anyways. I can only do my best within my boundaries and the rest is up to them. It has been painful for me to be that flexible with my community and my family. Knowing that I can’t control how they see me or if they want to greive the way I want them to. I can communicate untill I have repeatedly made myself clear but if they disagree… Then it just is what it is. So far I have accepted that but there still seems to be this weird phenomenon happening. Within the disagreements on a course of action my friends feel rejected by me and feel like I’m either hard to be around or unreasonable. I am the only person who understands the dynamics of my situation and my boundaries within my situation, only I can see the “thing” the way that it exists to me. Over and over I feel like this situation feels like rejection to them. I took a car ride to the beach with my friend, it was a 5ish hour car ride total and I found that even with someone I love it still took the entire car ride for me to be understood. As we were at the light to her neighborhood she said ” I really feel like that conversation was productive don’t you? ” I said back “no. I just feel like I’ve caught you up on my life over the past few months… But you finally listened.” She responded something like ” I’m sorry, I think I kept listening to what I thought you meant vs what you actually said… What you actually say is hard to hear but your right, it doesn’t make it any less true.” I ended with ” it also doesn’t make us any less Christian… Or… That we didn’t try hard enough… I’ve just submitted to the extent of my control and don’t care about the rest”