29 years old · ADD · cancer · caregiver · colon cancer · greaving · infant · new mama · newlyweds · peritoneal carsanomatisis · Uncategorized · widow · young widow

It often doesn’t feel like real life…. how could it possably be real life. I sometimes find myself framing it like it was an internship… a job… I don’t know something… but not a marriage. it couldn’t have possably been a marriage…. a marriage.. the one that I was in doesn’t end like this. it almost feels like I did all the things I was supposed to do and I did my job well and I ended up with a baby boy, and a house, 2 cars, a dog and a new family that I now have to figure out how I fit in. I feel like I have become the peace keaper of both sides of our families and really of my own mind. juggling my family, my inlaws, my friends, my new roles, my old way of talking, using phrases like “when we got diagnosed” or when “we moved” into hospice… phrase after phrase my life became an alternate reality. could someone I loved so deeply really be gone. Did I really watch him take his last breath? were his nails really blue just like the doctors told me they would be during his last few breaths. was he really in denile whe whole time about dieing? could this really be my life? we did everything “right”… we fought for life as hard as we could. we wanted eachother. till our last words we choose eachother. his last words to me were his usual ” love you” the last words of his that were truly his were ” you always snuggled me… even at the end…. you Always snuggled me.” we choose eachother every day and yet I feel like the results of our love and diligence and intentionality we still somehow failed. I some how failed. failed to keep him,  failed to keep us all together. but I still feel like I did everything right so something still doesn’t seem to add up. I still have the love and support from everyone, and almost all of our friendships… but theres still something off that I feel cant be explained. He loved me… he told me soo all the time… he said he loved all of me with all of him. he msaid he would marry me all over again if he could, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. but here I am siting alone…. typing this out… sitting on the floor of my living room while our sweet baby boy sleeps. hes getting so big and walking and doing things that I know his dad would have wanted to see… and be apart of. that’s one of the few things he cried over, nowing that he wouldn’t be able to watch bubbie grow up and be successful in school, or get good grades, or play sports… even to just teach him to catch… all the things that he was dreaming he would be able to do with tucker. Tucker smiles at me with this sheepish grin sometimes while holding his paci in his mouth…. sometimes just when he sees me walk in the room… its this sort of sideways smile the look that homebee and I gave eachother all the time. I know homebee would see himself in that look, I know he would have loved to see that look. its the look you wait to see as a parent… through all the tears and colic I feel like that is one of the “it paid off” feelings  that I know he would have liked to be there for.

Every time I kiss Tucker I kiss him twice. Once for him and once for Homebee. I told myself that when he died I would express my love for him to tucker, that I would share the joy of what that love looked like with Tucker.

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