One of the hardest things I have been struggling with sence Bretts passing has been disorganization. Its everywhere. My friend Kathy joked affter his passing when i was getting things put together for his service that the messiness of my house was a metafor for my brain. but ever sense she said that it has been one of the first things i notice when im starting to feel overwhelmed. My house is often the first sign that my life feels like its falling apart. Having people like my mom come over once a week and help me with laundry has made a really big difference, it reminds me that im not alone in this whole mess.
Having ADD and going through extreme grief like this has encouraged me to look further into ADD and how to work through it as an adult. I did a bit of poking around on amazon and found a book that talked about how ordination is one of the most difficult things to manage in adulthood while growing up with ADD. it talked about how people think ADD is a childhood illness and that when you grow up you are supposed to be come an “adult” which is more or less broken down into being organized enough to be on time, and manage a house hold, to multitask at work while succeeding in most things you do, work out and take care of your body, make sure to eat a balanced meal and raise a family all at the same time. These things all take a lot of diligence and a tun of planning but they both take organization.
I have been feeling like the main thing that I needed help with over the past few months is help with time management but after reading that I see that even time management breaks down into organization skills. It’s frusterating that things like staying up on the laundry seems so hard or that making meals 3 times a day is a really regular thing. I often find myself in the twilight zone and without Tucker reminding me that he’s bored or hungry I feel like I would waste so much more in the day then I already do. I want to be productive with my days and I want to be intentional with my time. I talked with my grievance councilor today and at the end of every session i find my self asking him what my next steps are and that if maybe I change my wording that he will finally tell me something different… but he doesn’t. He keeps reminding me that the “big 6″ are the only things i need to be working on and I cant over look the importance of them. He said it was like telling a basketball player to only work on dribbling, there are to many things for him to focus on that only looking at one piece of the game doesnt help him become a better player. He then told me that in 2018 I will be a radically different person than i am now and the only way to do that is to work on the ” big 6″ if I don’t then I will continue to have these same sorts of problems because I cant break the cycle without working on myself as a whole.
The Big 6 : Diet, excercise, sleep, introspection, journaling and distraction. Hes right you know. I havnt been working on those things like I should be. Im still missing lunch often and I only have been working out maybe 2x a week. I should be taking it more seriously and working on the things hes asking me to do, he is the one who knows the most about the process and is helping stay off the crazy cycle. I feel like mastering the big 6 will help me find out who I am . I know that I will be forced to become a new woman through all of this and I have already changed ten fold over who I was. There is something freeing about knowing that I will grow out of this stage… this floundering stage where everything is foggy and I feel like I have little control of whats happening around me.