29 years old · cancer · caregiver · colon cancer · greaving · new mama · peritoneal carsanomatisis · widow · young widow

May 22nd. Just another day

Today I hit a wall. My mom was late to come over and pick up Tucker and I have been somewhat overwhelmed because he’s teething again… (He’s teething 4 teeth at the moment and he’s cranky. This will bring his grand total to 16 teeth). I went to see my NP and ended up breaking down. I was trying to tell her whats been going on in my head and I couldn’t figure out how to say what I was thinking. I was feeling extremely distracted and disorganized in my thoughts that I had a hard time finishing my thoughts.  I then went to a friend’s house to shop through her lularoe clothing and found my self rambling aimlessly… My sweet friend just let me… But I was exauating myself just trying to remember what I was saying and she had to be dragged along into my swamp. Before I left I checked my phone and my mom said my gram was in the ER with heart problems. There it went again… My anxiety. I was already having a weird day and then it went again… By the time I got to the ER and found out everything was fine… I started to get super tired… Like an emotional crash. My gram complained about her dinner options…. I was basically speechless about her ablity to complain. She’s in the ER, room 35, a room I’m sure thousands of people have died in… And here she is complaining that her only options were turkey or roast beef for a sandwich. In fact once the nurse offered her her choices she responded “oh, no.. I think I’ll just have cottage cheese or jellow thank you.” Uh… That wasn’t an option. She then asked for something to drink.. the nurse said I can bring you water.. my gram promptly respond “oh heavens no… Water.. gaaaa! That’s only used to brush your teeth! I’ll have something more refreshing! Like a juice of some sort or a soda… Oh! And NURSE! I only drink sugar free soda…. ” . . . O.o. I was speechless.  The nurse respond ” I can bring you ice for your water so it’s colder and more refreshing?”  

She then brings my gram her dinner… And 2 juice options, my grandmother slected both. She opened her sandwich and complained that it was squished and went on a rant about how she’s been there sense 3 pm an it was almost 7 and she was floored that no one had thought to bring her dinner… I kindly reminded her that she was in the ER and not a regular room and her dinner options were the least of the ER doctors concerns. She then complained about the juice containers and how they were hard to drink from and how she got ahold of this article that said not to give juice to babies under the age of one… Esp orange juice. ” Can you believe that?! Did you know that?! She asked me… Uh… Yea. I know about that gram. Thanks. 

After she finished her juice she then went on to tell me how inconvenient it was that she had to be in the ER…. because today was a hair washing day and she didn’t think she needed to be in the ER… Even though she’s been short of breath for a few weeks now… Because her heart isn’t pumping enough blood so she’s getting weak. I told her to let her cardiologist know when he got here that it was a hair washing day and how inconvenienced she was to be there. She chuckled. I just slow blinked.  And thought to myself… The last time I was here these same nurses told me that there was nothing further they could do for Brett. We went home.. then back to the ER closer to home because the vomiting was still out of control, he had vomited I think 17 times by that point… A total of 21 by the end of the day.  After he was hospitalized for 3 days the hospital Dr decided with Brett that it was time for hospice.  His body was failing past a point where they could offer relief. Vomiting 4/5x an hour is caused by spasms in your stomach trying to digest but if your constapated and food can’t go down it comes up… Hence the wretching. That was the beginning of our hospice journey… In that ER that my grandmother was complaining about her dinner options. 

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