young widow

You have got to be kidding me.

So we decided to go on vacation to celebrate my birthday and mother’s day because they both happened in the same weekend and well… It’s been a shitty past few months… Or years.

So my mom’s husband bought my mom a flight at 520 am… Which meant that we needed to be up by 3. After waking T he basically never went back to bed. The flight was miserable and we finally got in around 945/10. We slept for a few hours woke up and decided to take T to urgent care because he was developing an eye infection. After waking up from our nap around 2 and going to urgent care we basically did nothing with day one.  Day 2 we woke up and T eye was worse so we then had to go back to urgent care who sent us to the ER. Being out of state and not having medical coverage because being widowed fucks up your life all over the place we ended up with an $800 dollar fee and then $140 in percriptions. On top of the $175 from the day before. We then went to San Diego wild life Safari which was pretty cool but not really worth it for me… Then today we went to the San Diego zoo hoping that would be fun… It was okay… I wanted to go shopping after but we couldn’t find anywhere I wanted to go. We ended up going to this small place by our hotel where my phone proceeded to fall into the toilet because it was in my back pocket. FUCK. Really? So now my speaker while the phone is to my ear doesn’t work.
All the while I started my period this morning and somehow managed to get a reoccurring staff infection in my bikini line because I’m fucking awesome! So I couldn’t even go back to the hotel and sit in the pool……

Can we PLEASE go home yet?
Moral of the story… Everything is hard when your husband dies. Everywhere you go… Everything you do… Everything you need… Every problem you have… It fucking sucks. And don’t let anyone tell you any different… Or… Esp OR… That they think they understand how bad it’s going to be for you because it’s a effing joke. They have no clue! Alot of my dad with T is super good when it’s just us…. And when I’m parenting him the way I want to. 
One of my biggest struggles is trying to get my family to understand THEY ARE NOT CO PARENTING WITH ME.  I have to figure everything out… Every time. it never does me any good to ask for help from my family because I don’t want to do it the way they would. I asked my counclor for help managing my boundaries. He told me I need to plan my life like it’s only me doing this. Like it’s only going to be me from here out. I’m not planning on getting remarried, I’m not planning on not… I don’t have a plan. But in the mean time planning like it’s only going to be me is very helpful. Except… I don’t want to okay it by my family… Which I still feel expected to do…. Because my family and in-laws love my son and want to be involved but I basically want to take a haiates and just check out on everything except me. 
I’m also thinking of just running with a business I have partical ownership with.  Quit doing hair in August when my chair expires? And just work with Jon? Or maybe just do hair 2 days a week and try to streamline everything during the week? Have weekends off for just me. I’m not sure yet. But I have a good feeling about this online business.

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