young widow

Santa ana 

We came down to visit a friend of mine either for the forth of July and have been having a wonderful time. It’s been much more enjoyable coming down on my own accord and spending time living life as I would if I lived here. Speaking of which…. That has been something that I haven’t been able to shake sense I got here. 

When we landed and I went to grab our luggage… I found myself crying. ( In public… By myself… Relieved…) I remember thinking to myself “I’m finally home” except I don’t live here… It was weird. Really weird. It made me wonder if this is what I have ever been longing for this whole time and didn’t know it? 
Something about California feels like home to me. (There I said it!) Maybe it’s the fact that I’m visiting my best friend through this entire mess… Or maybe it goes deeper then that? I find myself daydreaming about “what if I lived here….” Or “I bet I could make it work if I just…..”  Is that weird? Or to soon? 

I find that the most enjoyable thing I find myself doing recently is nesting. Finding my new me…. But it seems a little consuming? Or maybe not the point?  I’m somewhat afraid that my nesting might have a deeper pull to it then I originally thought…. What if the scary truth is I want to move? 

This last month (4 weeks) has felt a little different then the others. I came down to San Diego 2 weeks ago and just fell in love with California but let’s be honest here, who isnt in love with a sunny place where you don’t have enough any problems yet?… 

This time when I landed I felt home… It was only 2 weeks apart… I didn’t think that when I actually made it home… I was super excited to see my dog Bo! And excited to finally be alone! But not to be “home” I bought some dishes to match my new theme I have going around the house… Which is bees. Which I thought was an unusual nesting item for me because I love our dishes (infact I picked out our wedding dishes just 2 years prior) but I seemed to want to change those too? 

And then I got remanicent and looked up an old boyfriend… (Who is a terrible idea by the way) and he’s divorced…. Knowing the bad idea was available and the problems that come with that bad idea somehow seem more appealing then starting completely over. 

I see myself running in circles. Looking for a way out…. Trying to get threw it faster. 😦

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