We have basically been in an open marriage with my family and with my in-laws over the past year and a half because of my pregnancy and his diagnosis. Having a beautiful baby during the hardest part of both of our lives was the hardest thing ever. After the birth of our son… 11 days after to be exact, we had to drive to Spokane Washington to get to a surgeon who specializes in Brett’s type of cancer. There were only 2 people on the west coast who know how to do the specific surgery Brett needed. “The sugerbaker procedure” the Surgeon at OHSU told us she had only done 8 paitents during the course of her practice, all of whom were over the age of 65… Half of which died on the table. She looked me in the eyes and said “this is a VERY morbid procedure” I respond with “but… I’m 25weeks pregnant” she was clearly not the surgeon for us.
The surgeon in Spokane had done over 400+surgeries over 25 years… So naturally we picked him.
I remember being is a daze… How can all of this be happening when we aren’t even 30 yet.
March . 26. 2017
My husband is in the last few days of his life. My wonderful, kind, caring and encredable husband. The one who we hoped would be the 1% to make it to the 2 year mark after being diagnosed but deep in my heart I knew better. I’ve seen what cancer does to people and what it can do to a family and deep down in my dear I’ve known what’s coming for me for awhile now. There’s something about this kind of fear that can only be seen in your head… No one knows the dynamics of all of your relationships like you do. I am the only one who knows the weight of what I have to loose. People think they understand because they imagine what their fears would be like if they were me….
But the fact is they don’t know what it’s like… Mostly because I haven’t let the words come out of my mouth yet. They tell me that they “get it” or “I can’t imagine!” But the common response I feel like I see is the emotions building up inside them, till I know they can’t take it any longer and I can sense a lecture coming on. A lecture about how everyone is doing their best and how everyone loves me and how “they”aren’t going to let me fail or fall….. It’s more of a pep talk really…I’ve just heard to so many times I’m exhausted… And it’s become a lecture. It has become a conversation I am forced to endure… Forced to listen to… Forced to respond “correctly” or I’ll
open another “pep” talk because people can’t handle The Hard without an answer, solution, or some kind of something to feel like something is being done about it. That’s one of the worst parts about all of this, there is nothing ANYONE can do except sit in The Hard with me, next to me, shouldering the burden.